Some people would like to know why there are no obvious
aliens hanging around Earth. Perhaps the
best way to answer this would be to ask an alien why he isn’t visiting
Earth. Poof! The thought experiment begins and you are
standing on Alienum I, some tens of light years from Earth, in a local bar in
the largest city on the planet. The
alien standing next to you seems friendly, so you ask him: “How come you aren’t
visiting Earth?” in the local idiom, which you learned prior to starting the
thought experiment.
He seems willing to answer.
“Why would I want to do that?”
Not exactly the answer you had been expecting. “Earth’s an off-limits zoo” or “Too much
radiation in extrasolar space” or “Takes too long” would have resolved it once
and for all. But this guy answered with
a question. Prepping for the thought
experiment hadn’t included thinking up answers to questions the alien might ask,
so you have to improvise. “It’s a
beautiful place to see” is your first mumble.
“Oh, we have much better fantasy worlds to see in the local theaters,
and they cost 0.000001% as much to see, and the tours are better.” Not being one to give up easily, you try “You
could experience human art.” “Look, we’ve
been around for a million years, and we have done every art thing possible. I guarantee you’ve got nothing new.” A little bead of sweat breaks out on your
forehead. This is getting tough. “You could learn all about human history.” “We have better fictional histories than
anything you could have done in reality.
Do you know how much can be written in a million years?” “But this is a real society you could learn
about.” “What good would it do me to
know about it. Useless information – a waste
of time. Couldn’t possibly be as
interesting as our city’s Tri-sense vid of the year.”
Desperation was setting in.
All the trouble to set up the thought experiment and you were blowing
it. “Are you a businessman? You could set up trade with Earth.” “We already have everything we need or want,
and have had for the last nine hundred thousand years. Earth has absolutely nothing we would want.” Try some altruism. “You could help humans with some advanced
technology.” Another failure comes back
as he answers with another question: “Why would we care
about what happens to humans? You only
show up here in thought experiments and they don’t count for anything.” You don’t really know any answer to
this. You don’t want to suggest he could
rob us blind, as someone who already has everything he wants doesn’t need to
steal anything. Admittedly, humans don’t
make very appealing pets, and the aliens probably already have perfectly
designed pets, if they wanted any. Time
to hit the OFF switch on the thought experiment.
Poof! Back on Earth
you have the answer. There’s no point to
coming here for any culture advanced enough to be able to.
